Category Archives: gripes

one of those days.

“Mama said there’ll be days like this …”

I’m having one of those days. If someone looks at me the wrong way, I might erupt into tears. The working mom guilt is almost too much to bear today. My baby is hurting, and I’m stuck in this place. It’s days like these that almost put me over the edge.

Teething is a bear, and Peanut is getting her first big teeth – her first molars. I feel so bad. I want to hold her, comfort her, and fix it. I want to wipe away her tears when she cries. This is awful.

She’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.

But it just doesn’t feel right.

My heart is breaking and I’m very, very sad …

reminders …

When times get crazy like these, I need to remind myself of the important things in life. Things like …

  • I am only one person and it is okay that I can’t get everything done. Most things can wait.
  • Family is first. Creating memories is first. Being there for my Peanut is first. Everything else can wait.
  • I can’t care about what other people think.
  • And if people treat me like crap, act accordingly. (I have huge room for improvement here, and this one’s been hitting me hard lately.)
  • Don’t stress over things that don’t matter.
  • Who is in control of my destiny? Me. So I need to hold the reigns and not let the negativity and mixed signals of others get to me.
  • I will surround myself with the things I love – whether that be people, pets, hobbies, things, etc.

Reminders. That I am strong and deserve to be happy.

cody | 08.07.04 – 07.22.10

IMG_8907.JPG I keep looking at his cushion on the couch. It’s empty and my heart is so heavy. Tears continue to run down my face.  I don’t think that image will ever leave my brain; I looked back as we left the room and saw him laying there. Gone. I watched him stop breathing. I saw the life leave his body. And as incredibly sad as it was, I was happy for him. He’s free from the body that failed him. He spent the last several weeks suffering, and last night, we got our sign.

We adopted Cody on August 7, 2004. Young spirits, we were – as was he at approximately 1 year old. We had just bought our house and were about to get married. I had always loved huskies and ironically there was one at a local shelter at just the time we were looking. Timing was everything – when we went to meet Cody, there was another family who wanted to meet him, too. The loudest of the bunch, and by far the most charming. Because we had requested him first, he got to visit with us first. Naturally, we brought him home.

Good grief, did we have some times with him. In the beginning, he escaped our barricades, would go to the bathroom in his crate and roll around in it, and eat bagels when we left him to roam the house during the day. I can’t tell you how many times he got loose. He spent so little time outside in the summer and would spend hours outside in the fall. How on earth he managed to get away so much will always be a mystery to me. We’d put him out when he wanted to go and wait for him to tell us he wanted back in. Sometimes, though, we didn’t hear from him!

IMG_1645 He ate countless packs of gum, chewed through my dive bag for chapstick, and devoured an entire box of cake mix. He amazed me when he moved a bottle of cranberry juice into the living room, took the lid off, and drank from the bottle without spilling a drop! Stuffed animals were torn to shreds in minutes. He ate mink oil and would tear apart shoes when he was in the right – or wrong – mood.

He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. And a beggar? Dinner time was sometimes unbearable. He stole fresh-baked bread from the kitchen counter and ate an entire meatloaf. So many leftovers never made it to the next day because he would devour them when our back was turned. And smart – was he ever smart. He’d scope out the situation and wait for the right moment.

He was with me through my pregnancy and was so incredibly protective of Lily – he’d come get us when she cried and if we didn’t respond fast enough, he certainly didn’t give up! We were so amazed when we brought Lily home and he didn’t act like anything was different – except for the protective bit. We’re certain he sensed what was going on – he was right by my side during my labor at home, too, often pacing the house with me.

All in all, he was SUCH a good dog. Yes, we had some tough times with him, but they were so worth it. He adored Justin and was by far a daddy’s boy. Independent – rarely would he snuggle, but he did like his back scratched. He loved going for rides, and the best was sticking his head out the window. In the summertime, we’d have to turn the a/c all the way up and as cold as it would go.

IMG_7269 And now he’s gone. We took Cody at 6:40 tonight to end his pain and suffering. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in mid-May and given a few weeks to a few months to live. I’m thankful we got 2 months with him – there were days we were sure we wouldn’t make it this far. We got several signs last night that the time had come – in the end, he vomited twice, hadn’t gone to the bathroom (Neither way.) in 2 days, didn’t sleep the night before – at ALL, was breathing rapidly, and could barely walk. All of this happened suddenly, and it was certainly our sign.

Cody will always hold a very special place in my heart. I’m so sad without him. I know this awful feeling will pass, but for now I feel awful. And I haven’t yet broken the habit of looking to him on his couch cushion – I hope I never will.

P.S. – I took some pictures of Cody over the past few days – I’ll post them when I have a chance. For now, I’ll leave you with some oldies.

just wait. be patient.

They say that good things come to those who wait,
but I’m not convinced.
Seems lately that good things are being blessed upon people
who aren’t waiting;
those who aren’t
asking
for these things.
Those who don’t need them.
(Well, that’s my perspective. It’s not good to assume, so I take it back. Okay?)

The unfortunate part is that I’m not patient.
I’m waiting for a few of the very same blessings
that have recently been unexpectedly bestowed upon
friends and family members, and that’s just the problem …
I’m still waiting.

One of these things is
absolutely eating me alive right now,
and though I’m trying my absolute best to remain positive,
I’m finding myself
increasingly
bitter.
I know,
not a flattering quality -
at all.

I’m trying.
Really,
I am.

The worst of it is that
he knows it upsets me,
yet he continues to make it worse.

Thanks.
I’ll be sure to return the favor.
Okay, I take that back.
That wouldn’t be nice, right?

Yep, he talks about it
and talks around my thoughts.
Ehem, as always.
I’m probably better off talking to
a
daggone
cardboard
box
.
Or maybe the dog.
Then there are no expectations.
Truth is, though,
I’m somewhat used to it,
and I knew it would never change.

Shame on me for expecting something different.

I know what you’ll say.
You’ll tell me to get over it.
You’ll say, “Be patient.”
You’ll fill me in on the fact that jealousy is not,
in any
way,
shape or
form,
a good quality.

I know.
I’m trying …
I promise.
It’s just not easy.
Not easy at all when it’s something I’ve wanted,
no, needed,
for
so l-o-n-g.

introspective: failure & jealousy.

It seems that in just about everything I do, I don’t succeed. I was just thinking, though – is the problem in my determination, or in my definition of success? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve started something and not completed it; tried something, failed and given up. It’s depressing, really.

Lately, those trials and subsequent failures or in-completions have been wearing on me. No one said this introspection thing was easy, eh? I’m so frustrated, and as my moments to myself become more and more precious, the frustration only intensifies.

I see those around me celebrating their successes; their new beginnings or happy endings. But considering the topic at hand, I can’t jump to conclusions. Instead, I have to think deeper. Do those people feel that they’ve completed their quest? Have they followed through and reached the end in their mind? Can they define their new beginning or happy ending as successful, or have they failed? I can’t assume they’re happy; I can’t assume they’re done.

And what do my failures – as I call them – look like in the eyes of others? What’s incomplete in my mind might represent a huge finish to someone else, right? Something I think of as simple may be huge to a friend or family member. I need to remember that.

I guess the point is that we’re all different. We all see things just slightly differently based on so many factors – what we know, our experiences, and our values, among others.

I’ve been taking time lately to think through things and not over-react. Remember, this is my year, and I won’t let my jealousy creep in as a result of all of this positive change going on around me – at least not too much. It’s one of my biggest faults – one of which I am guilty all. the. time.

I guess jealousy is like any other bad habit – smoking, drinking, over-spending, over-eating, etc. They’re all so hard to break; so difficult to give up. But with patience and determination, most of those bad habits can be overcome.

So, will this mission of mine to ditch jealousy be a success or a failure in the end? Can I be happy for those who are celebrating and succeeding and not give it a second thought or think, “What about me?” And even better, can I celebrate my own successes – even if they’re so small in my mind – and avoid deeming everything I do a failure?

Only time will tell, I guess. At this point, I’m trying my best and taking things one day at a time. Really, that’s all I’ve got to give.

What about you? Is there anything you’re hanging on to and want to get rid of in 2010? What improvements are you working on or what might you want to face head on this year? Do you have external motivators, or is it something you’re doing for yourself? If you’re on a similar quest, believe me – I’m cheering you on!

more tidbits …

Seems I’m doing a lot of these posts these days, but there’s so much going on that it’s dizzying!

I’m really missing my Peanut these days. Seems by the time we get home and get everything done, there’s just not enough time with her. We played for well over an hour last night (In between dinner, dishes, laundry, bath …), and call me selfish if you’d like, but it’s just doesn’t feel like enough time. The weekends aren’t long enough, either. I’m trying to commit myself to being home one full day each weekend for just this reason – more time. True, this will require some serious organization and coordination, but I’m game. I need time with our Lil before she’s grown – a time I know will come far too quickly.

Excitement is building – my dad, sister and I are headed to Grand Cayman in March for a dive trip, and the plans are starting to come together. This weekend, I’ll likely spend a few hours at the dive shop doing some refreshers for three certifications I hope to complete while we’re there – rescue, wreck and UW photography. I’m psyched!

It’s time to play catch up. You know from prior posts that I’ve been working on the Alphabitty Moments project – my posts are here and more information can be found here. It’s an awesome project, and one I really want to complete. That being said, as this week is “T,” I have a LOT of catching up to do! I’ll keep you posted on my progress, of course, by posting pages here as I complete them. (Oh my, I just checked out MamaBear’s blog, and they’re only up to the letter “L” … yippee! That means only 5 layouts to catch up!)

We’re going to start sleep training again because things have gotten out of hand. Lily is 8 months old and I’m being honest when I say she was up every 2 hours last night – asleep around 9, then up around 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am and 5 am. No joke. We did training a couple of months ago, but she got sick and I didn’t the heart nor the strength to do it while she was sneezing and coughing through the night. With the sickness over, it’s time to kick things off again. This mama’s tired, and so is Peanut’s papa!

I guess that’s it for now. I’m still waiting on the medical news, so I promise to keep you posted on that. I also hope to get some recent pictures up today, but we’ll see. Maybe by the end of the weekend is a better goal. Have a great day!

i’m saying goodbye to my green …

(Sorry – it’s long, but worthwhile … I think!)

Yep, I’m off to one heck of a start in 2010 – as promised! One part of this change is the commitment to see things in a more positive light. Typical me is to get started with one negative and let it snowball, leading me right to where I was at the end of 2009 – completely depressed and absolutely miserable. Instead of letting the negatives snowball this year, I am instead focusing on the positives and letting them snowball. So far, so good!

One of my biggest issues has been with this whole working mom thing. It’s absolutely and utterly exhausting. Dizzying, even. I had no idea it would be so hard – so busy, so tiring, so chaotic and crazy. Truthfully, though I envy stay at home moms for a number of reasons, I know I wouldn’t make it – it takes a very strong and dedicated person, and it’s just not for me. Ideally, something part-time would be perfect, but it’s not going to happen, so here I stay.

Admittedly (and rather embarrassingly), I’ve had some seriously bitter thoughts towards stay at home moms in general. I’ve been disgustingly green with envy. I’ve been downright, all out jealous. I know they have their gripes, too, and we all know that the grass is always greener on the other side for all of us. But seriously, I’d give my left arm for the opportunity to spend so much time with Peanut, to run errands during the week, for the chance to meet friends and family members for coffee and shopping, and to have time here and there for chores around the house. A nap from time to time? Heck yeah – I’m game! It’s sounding more enticing than my rat race life with each passing second!

Back to the point. I could continue on with comparisons from my limited and skewed perspective, but that’s not going to get me anywhere further along on my journey toward happiness – instead, it would only be two steps back in life’s delicate dance. Rather than thinking of the negatives in being a working mom, from now on, I’m going to focus on the positives. This life, even with the exhaustion factor, is incredible! I’m not even going to list the negatives or compare what I live with what could be because it’s pointless. Instead, and without further ado, here are many reasons why my crazy life as a “working mom” rocks!

(NOTE: This list is in no way a comparison of working mom vs. SAHM or any other situation for that matter, but is merely a list of positives for my particular situation. I’m sure some of these would appear on other’s lists, too, regardless of particulars.)

  • Believe me, I can get more done in a few hours than some could even imagine. It’s that thing called pressure, and baby, I feel it! There’s no time for slacking, and no off days! I always have a mission. Always.
  • Downtime certainly doesn’t exist, either. Eh, unless you want to consider those few precious moments before falling asleep downtime. No rest for this mama!
  • I can speed shop like it’s nobody’s business. There’s always a list and never time for perusing – that’s how it goes … All. The. Time.
  • Yes, I get lunch hour shopping trips … alone! In fact, much of my shopping, with the exception of groceries, is done during lunch. Always nice to get out of the office, too!
  • Functioning on minimal sleep is a mastered art, and I’ve got it down. That little girl has some serious sleep issues, and the hours between 10-ish pm and 5 am are in no way, shape or form restful for my husband and I. We play good walking zombies each and every day!
  • There’s a beautiful balance in responsibility. Though it took a while to iron out to our liking, both my husband and I have what I would consider fairly equal roles in our daughter’s care. That man truly is an amazing dad, and will play a huge role in Peanut’s future. Awesome!
  • Likewise, we both have household responsibilities because I simply cannot do it all by myself.
  • There’s no time for details. True, this is both a plus and a minus, but there’s no wasted time on that which goes unnoticed most of the time anyway.
  • Wow, what a great way to determine what’s important and what’s not! What has to get done gets done, and what doesn’t is left behind. There are only 24 hours in a day, right?
  • The separation anxiety factor is lessened because we are forced to share Peanut with others. I’ll never be 100% okay with leaving my little one with a trusted family member or friend, but it’s easier because I have to do it 5 days a week. In her nearly 8 months of life, she’s been overnight without us 3 times! (Sure, those days and nights away have been torture, but they are possible! I also believe that it’s a positive experience for everyone involved.)
  • Our time together is so precious. I appreciate every minute I have with our little Peanut because we don’t have 24/7 … the waking hours are more like 3.5/5 during the week and 12.5/2 on the weekends. Sad, but true. Though it’s so little time, that time is amazing!
  • Days off are utterly euphoric! Whether a surprise or planned, every minute of these days feels just like Christmas as a kid. I’m typically selfish, too, and don’t share these bonus days with anyone else – they’re our little secret, at least until they’re over!
  • I get adult time 5 days a week. Granted, it’s at work, involves little socialization, and is highly impersonal, but it’s adults!
  • My commute, when I’m feeling positive, is a beautiful time. It’s 45 to 60 minutes of thinking time for me. Quiet, peaceful, and relaxing (Minus the traffic!).

Wow, I didn’t know I had so many positives to this working mom thing – I am blessed! Funny – I’m feeling better already, and am pleased with the decision to leave the boring negatives and unnecessary comparisons behind. My life IS good, and my days of being green with envy are over! How’s that for sticking to a New Year’s resolution?!

If you are currently struggling with a similar negative, I challenge you to do the same – look at what’s good in your life, list it out just like this, and leave the bad behind. Unless you can change it, it’s not worth spending time and energy on. Who needs the negative anyway, right?

I’m not 100% back to me just yet, but this is one huge hurdle along the way – and it’s been overcome! Here’s to hoping the next challenge is just as freeing!

i need to find …

… me.

Really. I’m unhappy with several aspects of my life, and I need the inspiration, motivation and courage to do what I want to do with them. I’ve got a fantastic and uber-supportive husband, a wonderful (and also very supportive) family, and various skills to put to use. Yet I won’t jump; I won’t change. Why?

I don’t know. I can think of at least five things I need to change. Two have the potential to be huge and life altering, the second is straightening something out that’s gone awry (At least in my opinion.), and the last two just take time that I don’t have right now and probably won’t have for a good, long while. Sigh …

Why am I so unsure of myself? I know one thing – it’s in my personality to over-prepare for things in a HUGE way. Before I make even a simple decision, I consult several resources. Research may be an understatement – seriously. I beat issues to death until I’m sure I’ve made the right decision. Then I second guess myself. Why? Again, I don’t know.

When I actually DO start something, I put 110% into it. I attempt to perfect it, and often put more emphasis on the process than the thing itself. And when the thing itself struggles because I’m focusing in the wrong place, I get frustrated. It’s a viscous cycle.

Without constant reassurance, I don’t thrive. And without a reason to jump, I’ll stand on the edge until the very. last. second. It’s so aggravating. And though I know I do it, I don’t change. It’s so silly.

I also tend to leave things unfinished. I love starting new things, but if they have an end, I usually don’t see it. I either get bored or decide to move on to something new. Again, in many cases it has to do with the “focusing in the wrong place” thing. If it’s not working JUST as I had planned, it’s not worthy and I won’t see it through. Ridiculous.

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to make a change. For now, I’ll return to my normal, stagnant life. I’ll continue to mull through each day, always keeping these things in the back of my mind. I will continue to research them; continue to be unsure of myself; continue to do nothing. For now, I’ll just “float on.”

yeah, well …

I know, so much for the “blogging every day” thing. Lily and I were out and about all day Saturday, returning at 10:30 pm totally exhausted. After getting off track with blogging on Saturday, I made the decision to just skip Sunday. I didn’t even turn on the computer on Sunday – believe me, a day without technology is SO nice sometimes!

I’ve been having some really rough days lately, and without getting into the boring and overdrawn details, I’m working really hard at getting myself back to happy. It’s the balance that’s difficult – how hard can I push myself physically to accomplish what needs to be done while still being mentally coherent and pleasant? Let me tell you, this working mom thing is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and if you think you have an idea, you so don’t (Unless you are, of course, also a working mom.). Anyway, so far I still haven’t figured out the perfect balance. When I do, we’ll celebrate together, okay? Unfortunately, as of right now, I am not okay. Somehow I know I will get there, it’s just a matter of when.

So as of today, back on track with blogging, I am! This is one mental break I need – and I’m glad you’re along for the ride!

night owl …

I can’t figure out where my child went. For 8 weeks, I had this lovely little girl who would get up once throughout the night (Maybe occasionally twice.), eat, and go right back to sleep. I even made it through my first week of work with this same little angelic person. For the past two days, however, she’s gone missing and has been replaced with someone who gets up at least twice throughout the night and refuses to sleep. What gives?

Last night was just as good as our first “bad night.” I fell asleep around 10 pm and Lily woke up at 12:30 am – no big deal. Fed her, then made bottles. By the time I got back to bed, it was around 2 am. She got up again at 3:15 am (Argh!) and didn’t go back to sleep after that! To top things off, we had another episode of projectile spit up – the 2 oz she ate at 3:15 am ALL came back up … on ME! At least she gave me something to do until it was time for me to start getting ready for work at 5 am – a load of laundry!

So Monday night allowed me 4 hours of sleep in the form of two 2-hour “naps,” and last night was a whopping 3 hours and 45 minutes split up into two overnight “naps.” Rock on!

If this continues, I’m trading her in for a make/model that sleeps through the night; this stuff is for the birds!!!