Category Archives: gripes

introspective: failure & jealousy.

It seems that in just about everything I do, I don’t succeed. I was just thinking, though – is the problem in my determination, or in my definition of success? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve started something and not completed it; tried something, failed and given up. It’s depressing, really.

Lately, those trials and subsequent failures or in-completions have been wearing on me. No one said this introspection thing was easy, eh? I’m so frustrated, and as my moments to myself become more and more precious, the frustration only intensifies.

I see those around me celebrating their successes; their new beginnings or happy endings. But considering the topic at hand, I can’t jump to conclusions. Instead, I have to think deeper. Do those people feel that they’ve completed their quest? Have they followed through and reached the end in their mind? Can they define their new beginning or happy ending as successful, or have they failed? I can’t assume they’re happy; I can’t assume they’re done.

And what do my failures – as I call them – look like in the eyes of others? What’s incomplete in my mind might represent a huge finish to someone else, right? Something I think of as simple may be huge to a friend or family member. I need to remember that.

I guess the point is that we’re all different. We all see things just slightly differently based on so many factors – what we know, our experiences, and our values, among others.

I’ve been taking time lately to think through things and not over-react. Remember, this is my year, and I won’t let my jealousy creep in as a result of all of this positive change going on around me – at least not too much. It’s one of my biggest faults – one of which I am guilty all. the. time.

I guess jealousy is like any other bad habit – smoking, drinking, over-spending, over-eating, etc. They’re all so hard to break; so difficult to give up. But with patience and determination, most of those bad habits can be overcome.

So, will this mission of mine to ditch jealousy be a success or a failure in the end? Can I be happy for those who are celebrating and succeeding and not give it a second thought or think, “What about me?” And even better, can I celebrate my own successes – even if they’re so small in my mind – and avoid deeming everything I do a failure?

Only time will tell, I guess. At this point, I’m trying my best and taking things one day at a time. Really, that’s all I’ve got to give.

What about you? Is there anything you’re hanging on to and want to get rid of in 2010? What improvements are you working on or what might you want to face head on this year? Do you have external motivators, or is it something you’re doing for yourself? If you’re on a similar quest, believe me – I’m cheering you on!

more tidbits …

Seems I’m doing a lot of these posts these days, but there’s so much going on that it’s dizzying!

I’m really missing my Peanut these days. Seems by the time we get home and get everything done, there’s just not enough time with her. We played for well over an hour last night (In between dinner, dishes, laundry, bath …), and call me selfish if you’d like, but it’s just doesn’t feel like enough time. The weekends aren’t long enough, either. I’m trying to commit myself to being home one full day each weekend for just this reason – more time. True, this will require some serious organization and coordination, but I’m game. I need time with our Lil before she’s grown – a time I know will come far too quickly.

Excitement is building – my dad, sister and I are headed to Grand Cayman in March for a dive trip, and the plans are starting to come together. This weekend, I’ll likely spend a few hours at the dive shop doing some refreshers for three certifications I hope to complete while we’re there – rescue, wreck and UW photography. I’m psyched!

It’s time to play catch up. You know from prior posts that I’ve been working on the Alphabitty Moments project – my posts are here and more information can be found here. It’s an awesome project, and one I really want to complete. That being said, as this week is “T,” I have a LOT of catching up to do! I’ll keep you posted on my progress, of course, by posting pages here as I complete them. (Oh my, I just checked out MamaBear’s blog, and they’re only up to the letter “L” … yippee! That means only 5 layouts to catch up!)

We’re going to start sleep training again because things have gotten out of hand. Lily is 8 months old and I’m being honest when I say she was up every 2 hours last night – asleep around 9, then up around 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am and 5 am. No joke. We did training a couple of months ago, but she got sick and I didn’t the heart nor the strength to do it while she was sneezing and coughing through the night. With the sickness over, it’s time to kick things off again. This mama’s tired, and so is Peanut’s papa!

I guess that’s it for now. I’m still waiting on the medical news, so I promise to keep you posted on that. I also hope to get some recent pictures up today, but we’ll see. Maybe by the end of the weekend is a better goal. Have a great day!

i’m saying goodbye to my green …

(Sorry – it’s long, but worthwhile … I think!)

Yep, I’m off to one heck of a start in 2010 – as promised! One part of this change is the commitment to see things in a more positive light. Typical me is to get started with one negative and let it snowball, leading me right to where I was at the end of 2009 – completely depressed and absolutely miserable. Instead of letting the negatives snowball this year, I am instead focusing on the positives and letting them snowball. So far, so good!

One of my biggest issues has been with this whole working mom thing. It’s absolutely and utterly exhausting. Dizzying, even. I had no idea it would be so hard – so busy, so tiring, so chaotic and crazy. Truthfully, though I envy stay at home moms for a number of reasons, I know I wouldn’t make it – it takes a very strong and dedicated person, and it’s just not for me. Ideally, something part-time would be perfect, but it’s not going to happen, so here I stay.

Admittedly (and rather embarrassingly), I’ve had some seriously bitter thoughts towards stay at home moms in general. I’ve been disgustingly green with envy. I’ve been downright, all out jealous. I know they have their gripes, too, and we all know that the grass is always greener on the other side for all of us. But seriously, I’d give my left arm for the opportunity to spend so much time with Peanut, to run errands during the week, for the chance to meet friends and family members for coffee and shopping, and to have time here and there for chores around the house. A nap from time to time? Heck yeah – I’m game! It’s sounding more enticing than my rat race life with each passing second!

Back to the point. I could continue on with comparisons from my limited and skewed perspective, but that’s not going to get me anywhere further along on my journey toward happiness – instead, it would only be two steps back in life’s delicate dance. Rather than thinking of the negatives in being a working mom, from now on, I’m going to focus on the positives. This life, even with the exhaustion factor, is incredible! I’m not even going to list the negatives or compare what I live with what could be because it’s pointless. Instead, and without further ado, here are many reasons why my crazy life as a “working mom” rocks!

(NOTE: This list is in no way a comparison of working mom vs. SAHM or any other situation for that matter, but is merely a list of positives for my particular situation. I’m sure some of these would appear on other’s lists, too, regardless of particulars.)

  • Believe me, I can get more done in a few hours than some could even imagine. It’s that thing called pressure, and baby, I feel it! There’s no time for slacking, and no off days! I always have a mission. Always.
  • Downtime certainly doesn’t exist, either. Eh, unless you want to consider those few precious moments before falling asleep downtime. No rest for this mama!
  • I can speed shop like it’s nobody’s business. There’s always a list and never time for perusing – that’s how it goes … All. The. Time.
  • Yes, I get lunch hour shopping trips … alone! In fact, much of my shopping, with the exception of groceries, is done during lunch. Always nice to get out of the office, too!
  • Functioning on minimal sleep is a mastered art, and I’ve got it down. That little girl has some serious sleep issues, and the hours between 10-ish pm and 5 am are in no way, shape or form restful for my husband and I. We play good walking zombies each and every day!
  • There’s a beautiful balance in responsibility. Though it took a while to iron out to our liking, both my husband and I have what I would consider fairly equal roles in our daughter’s care. That man truly is an amazing dad, and will play a huge role in Peanut’s future. Awesome!
  • Likewise, we both have household responsibilities because I simply cannot do it all by myself.
  • There’s no time for details. True, this is both a plus and a minus, but there’s no wasted time on that which goes unnoticed most of the time anyway.
  • Wow, what a great way to determine what’s important and what’s not! What has to get done gets done, and what doesn’t is left behind. There are only 24 hours in a day, right?
  • The separation anxiety factor is lessened because we are forced to share Peanut with others. I’ll never be 100% okay with leaving my little one with a trusted family member or friend, but it’s easier because I have to do it 5 days a week. In her nearly 8 months of life, she’s been overnight without us 3 times! (Sure, those days and nights away have been torture, but they are possible! I also believe that it’s a positive experience for everyone involved.)
  • Our time together is so precious. I appreciate every minute I have with our little Peanut because we don’t have 24/7 … the waking hours are more like 3.5/5 during the week and 12.5/2 on the weekends. Sad, but true. Though it’s so little time, that time is amazing!
  • Days off are utterly euphoric! Whether a surprise or planned, every minute of these days feels just like Christmas as a kid. I’m typically selfish, too, and don’t share these bonus days with anyone else – they’re our little secret, at least until they’re over!
  • I get adult time 5 days a week. Granted, it’s at work, involves little socialization, and is highly impersonal, but it’s adults!
  • My commute, when I’m feeling positive, is a beautiful time. It’s 45 to 60 minutes of thinking time for me. Quiet, peaceful, and relaxing (Minus the traffic!).

Wow, I didn’t know I had so many positives to this working mom thing – I am blessed! Funny – I’m feeling better already, and am pleased with the decision to leave the boring negatives and unnecessary comparisons behind. My life IS good, and my days of being green with envy are over! How’s that for sticking to a New Year’s resolution?!

If you are currently struggling with a similar negative, I challenge you to do the same – look at what’s good in your life, list it out just like this, and leave the bad behind. Unless you can change it, it’s not worth spending time and energy on. Who needs the negative anyway, right?

I’m not 100% back to me just yet, but this is one huge hurdle along the way – and it’s been overcome! Here’s to hoping the next challenge is just as freeing!

i need to find …

… me.

Really. I’m unhappy with several aspects of my life, and I need the inspiration, motivation and courage to do what I want to do with them. I’ve got a fantastic and uber-supportive husband, a wonderful (and also very supportive) family, and various skills to put to use. Yet I won’t jump; I won’t change. Why?

I don’t know. I can think of at least five things I need to change. Two have the potential to be huge and life altering, the second is straightening something out that’s gone awry (At least in my opinion.), and the last two just take time that I don’t have right now and probably won’t have for a good, long while. Sigh …

Why am I so unsure of myself? I know one thing – it’s in my personality to over-prepare for things in a HUGE way. Before I make even a simple decision, I consult several resources. Research may be an understatement – seriously. I beat issues to death until I’m sure I’ve made the right decision. Then I second guess myself. Why? Again, I don’t know.

When I actually DO start something, I put 110% into it. I attempt to perfect it, and often put more emphasis on the process than the thing itself. And when the thing itself struggles because I’m focusing in the wrong place, I get frustrated. It’s a viscous cycle.

Without constant reassurance, I don’t thrive. And without a reason to jump, I’ll stand on the edge until the very. last. second. It’s so aggravating. And though I know I do it, I don’t change. It’s so silly.

I also tend to leave things unfinished. I love starting new things, but if they have an end, I usually don’t see it. I either get bored or decide to move on to something new. Again, in many cases it has to do with the “focusing in the wrong place” thing. If it’s not working JUST as I had planned, it’s not worthy and I won’t see it through. Ridiculous.

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to make a change. For now, I’ll return to my normal, stagnant life. I’ll continue to mull through each day, always keeping these things in the back of my mind. I will continue to research them; continue to be unsure of myself; continue to do nothing. For now, I’ll just “float on.”

yeah, well …

I know, so much for the “blogging every day” thing. Lily and I were out and about all day Saturday, returning at 10:30 pm totally exhausted. After getting off track with blogging on Saturday, I made the decision to just skip Sunday. I didn’t even turn on the computer on Sunday – believe me, a day without technology is SO nice sometimes!

I’ve been having some really rough days lately, and without getting into the boring and overdrawn details, I’m working really hard at getting myself back to happy. It’s the balance that’s difficult – how hard can I push myself physically to accomplish what needs to be done while still being mentally coherent and pleasant? Let me tell you, this working mom thing is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and if you think you have an idea, you so don’t (Unless you are, of course, also a working mom.). Anyway, so far I still haven’t figured out the perfect balance. When I do, we’ll celebrate together, okay? Unfortunately, as of right now, I am not okay. Somehow I know I will get there, it’s just a matter of when.

So as of today, back on track with blogging, I am! This is one mental break I need – and I’m glad you’re along for the ride!

night owl …

I can’t figure out where my child went. For 8 weeks, I had this lovely little girl who would get up once throughout the night (Maybe occasionally twice.), eat, and go right back to sleep. I even made it through my first week of work with this same little angelic person. For the past two days, however, she’s gone missing and has been replaced with someone who gets up at least twice throughout the night and refuses to sleep. What gives?

Last night was just as good as our first “bad night.” I fell asleep around 10 pm and Lily woke up at 12:30 am – no big deal. Fed her, then made bottles. By the time I got back to bed, it was around 2 am. She got up again at 3:15 am (Argh!) and didn’t go back to sleep after that! To top things off, we had another episode of projectile spit up – the 2 oz she ate at 3:15 am ALL came back up … on ME! At least she gave me something to do until it was time for me to start getting ready for work at 5 am – a load of laundry!

So Monday night allowed me 4 hours of sleep in the form of two 2-hour “naps,” and last night was a whopping 3 hours and 45 minutes split up into two overnight “naps.” Rock on!

If this continues, I’m trading her in for a make/model that sleeps through the night; this stuff is for the birds!!!

vent …

In advance, I’m sorry. I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I’ve got to share! Perhaps it’s pregnancy that’s made me more sensitive to these issues – I don’t know. In the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter, but for the past few months, these issues have been driving me c-r-a-z-y!

I work in an office setting with 30 or so co-workers, 11 of them women (This will become relevant.). While as a whole I can say we’re a fairly neat bunch, there are a few exceptions to the rule. I’ve successfully targeted one of our messy members, and can’t pinpoint whether or not this person is the only messy one of the bunch. Regardless, some of these things are completely ridiculous.

  • When you use a community utensil, say, a shared knife, do you wash it and put it away or leave it in the sink for the next person to clean, use, and then clean for themselves?
  • If you peel your hard boiled eggs in the kitchen sink, do you leave the shells in the sink, or do you remove them?
  • If you dump your coffee out in the kitchen sink, do you leave the splashes and residue there, or do you rinse it away? (This also applies to dumping your coffee out in the women’s restroom sink.)
  • When you use the last of the roll of toilet paper, do you leave it for the next person to replace, or do you take the initiative to replace it?

I could go on with more office specific examples (think copier, shredder, jamming, replacing paper, etc.), but I’ll spare you the pain and boring details. I don’t understand how people can be so disgusting. Seriously, do these people do this stuff at home? I know for a fact that the person I’ve pinpointed doesn’t have a maid or cleaning service. Perhaps said person’s spouse cleans up after them – oh, the life!

If this person/these people live at home like they do here, I fear for them. So sad …

it’s a no snow day.

We watched the snow fall, heard the ice beat on the window panes and laughed as Cody walked across the ice-covered snow like an old man. Despite the weather, I decided to venture to work today – even though I so badly wanted to make today a quilting snow day. Luckily, Justin and I work about 20 minutes away from each other, so he brought me in on his way. It was his call to go in or work from home, and after he finished up drawings he needed to get out to a client, we started on our way.

0128090908 For Christmas this year, Aunt Joan got us these awesome traction “things” for our shoes. They’re made of flexible, stretchable plastic-type “stuff,” and the bottom sections are wrapped in metal to provide traction on the ice. Both Justin and I wore them today, and we love them! Today was the perfect day for them – ice-coated snow that was not too deep. Both Justin and I have boots (Justin has a ton!), but sometimes this is just easier. Wearing boots feels bulky to me, and with this new pregnancy balance (Or lack of!), today was just not the day for boots. Also, I go crazy wearing boots all day, so I usually have to bring sneakers or other shoes to work. Not today! These are GREAT! I’ll have to update with the real name of them when I get home. Thanks, Aunt Joan! They are SO handy!

IMG_6638 So what would I have done if I had stayed home today? Quilting! Last night, I finished cutting the remaining 4 fabrics. This morning while I waited for Justin to finish up his drawings, I cut all 4 yards of fleece and started making my square “sandwiches.” Now that the cutting is done, the rest is easy! IMG_6639 Next steps are to finish up the “sandwiches,” decide which color thread I will use (white, brown or both), get the sewing machine threaded with the proper color, and start sewing squares! I’m so psyched to get started – it’s ridiculous. I figured out the pattern last night, as well. As there are several similar colors, patterns and themes, it took half an hour or so to come up with something I liked. Luckily, it worked out!

IMG_6633 Speaking of fabric, I think I may have found curtain material for girlfriend’s room – I’m in love with this fabric and am waiting for a coupon so I can go and buy the rest of what Jo-Ann has. Seriously, I’d make anything out of this! I’ve tried finding it online, but it’s not on Jo-Ann’s website and I don’t know the brand. Argh. So … after the quilt comes curtains! Can’t say I’ve ever made them before, either, but I’m crafty and up for the challenge of something new!

Do you enjoy this weather, or would you rather migrate for the winter to somewhere warmer? We really don’t get anything that bad here, so I guess I’m okay with it. If I had a choice, though, I’d be outta here! If it’s snowy or icy where you are, stay safe! And if not … I’m jealous! Can I come visit?

’tis the season, my friends …

santa_present I noticed it yesterday, but after this morning’s experiences, my decision is solidified. The official holiday driving season has begun. We’ve officially entered fair game for cutting people off, failure to signal, and going 45 in the left lane of a 65 mph highway. It’s now okay to cut across three lanes of traffic to get to your exit. Simple errands will now take twice as long, as parking lots are filled with frenzied shoppers fighting over the closest parking spaces. What’s supposed to be a joyful time causes aggravation and frustration.

I truly do love the holidays, but this year, I’m just not cut out for all of the chaos. Needless to say, I’ll be doing as much of my shopping as possible online, and will consolidate my essential trips into as few outings as possible. Maybe this means I’ll actually stay home and do things I’ve been needing and wanting to do … or maybe not!

new yogurt = yuck!

I’m kind of angry with Dannon.

They recently redeveloped their Light & Fit line of yogurt, stating that it’s got a “great new taste.” Apparently they improved the flavor and gave the product a better, more rich texture. I have to disagree. Not only is the taste less appealing, but the 6 oz. container now has 80 calories as opposed to its former 60. The Cherry Vanilla flavor I just had also has 3 extra grams of sugar over its predecessor.

I guess it wouldn’t bother me so much if I liked other brands. But I don’t. Prior to this version of Dannon’s Light & Fit, I wouldn’t eat yogurt. And who knows – maybe I’ll adjust. But for now, I just have to say, “Light & Fit, I liked you better just the way you were.”