A few of my favorite things … work edition.
Funny how life happens.
Looking back on this year, I don’t see months filled with uncertainty. It’s true that there were plenty of them. We learned in July that my job and the jobs of many colleagues would be done in October. When those 3 months were up, I did not have another job to go to like some others did. Talk about a scary time for our family.
Looking back, instead of reliving that fear, however, I feel something amazing. I’m faced with something much more incredible that’s come from that very uncertain time.
I didn’t see it happening at the time, but looking back, I see how much closer our family has become. I see how much more beautiful my relationship with my husband has become. I see just how much I’ve learned about myself. I realize just how blessed we are.
Though I’ve since found what very well may be the job of my dreams, our journey isn’t done. In fact, it’s only just begun.
When my husband and I got married, he started a beautiful tradition that’s continued each year since. The family gift has become what I look forward to most each year, but mostly when I’m on the receiving end. And before you start judging that comment, hear me out.
We take turns each year choosing the family gift. Well, we used to.
You see, this year was my year, and I struggled what what to get. Nothing seemed to quite encompass the type of year we’d had. Frankly, that’s where I went wrong but was so right. It’s true; there was NO ‘thing’ that felt right. I didn’t realize that this year’s family gift didn’t need to be a thing.
What was it?
It was faith.
It was life.
It was blessings.
What did I do about the family gift? I surrendered. I gave the responsibility of this year’s family gift to my husband. I knew I couldn’t do it, but somehow, he always can. And without discussing what I was feeling about the family gift, he made it happen, because he’d felt it, too.
He did end up finding a small “thing,” a little cross, that represented the bigger concept, but that wasn’t the most beautiful part. He, in his most amazing way and as always, articulated in words what got us through this year. Prayer. Blessings. Faith. Life. One particular family member in heaven. And maybe a little bit of sweat and tears, too.
It’ll be a different year for us in 2012. I know we’ll only continue to grow both individually and as a family. We’re committing to make a change that we not only need, but want as well. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot over the past year, and in the past two months in particular. The amazing part is the fact that the very same things that moved me moved him, too. We’re going to do this together.
I.
Can’t.
Wait.
I’m really so very excited. This is so much bigger than the three of us. It’s going to be a beautiful journey; one that will change who we are and how we live.
Forever.
Am I sad that I gave up this year’s family gift? Not for a second. He’s so much better at the family gift than I. And in so many ways, I’m completely okay with that.
I love the age our daughter is at right now. She’s formulating ideas based on what she knows, and it’s amazing to see how she puts her thoughts together. Here’s our exchange last night.
She was standing in the bathroom waiting for me to get her bath ready. I have a pretty ugly cold, so I’ve been taking Dayquil. She pulls one of the Dayquil packs off the bathroom counter …
L: “MaMum medicines?”
Me: “Yes, sweetheart, that’s MaMum’s medicine. It’s for my throat.” (As I pointed to my throat.)
L: “Throat. MaMum throat boo-boo?” (While pointing to her throat.)
Me: “That’s right, MaMum’s throat has a boo-boo.”
L: “MaMum want kitty?” (Hello Kitty Band-Aid)
Me: “Oh no, sweetheart, but thank you! You’re too sweet.”
L: “Kiss boo-boo?”
Me: “Sure, you can kiss MaMum’s boo-boo.”
She did indeed proceed to kiss my throat and look at me with those eyes, like she wants me to feel better. I just love it.
I didn’t want to go there. And I’m not sure if I’ll actually publish this. If I decide to, I’m not sure when that will be. At this moment, though, I’m feeling it, so I’ll go with it.
In, well, let’s leave it at before the end of 2011, I’ll be without a job. I’ve been laid off. Frankly, I’m feeling grateful. We were given a ‘warn period,’ which means we got a few months of work before becoming unemployed. As that ‘warn period’ winds down, however, the reality is starting to hit me. In the foreseeable future, I won’t have a job. And believe me, it’s not because I haven’t tried. I’ve looked every day, and applied for every position I think I’d qualify for and then some. I get it now. It’s not that easy. I apologize for all the times I judged before, even if it was just in my mind. As I just said, I get it.
Before we get too far in, let’s take a little trip back in time. You see, I’ve officially been employed since the day of my 16th birthday, and I worked (Shhh.) full-time during summer breaks before that. In high school, I worked nights and weekends, and held two jobs during the summer – one with typical full-time hours (With an awful commute in Philadelphia traffic, to boot.), and a second job on nights and weekends. I worked around 20 hours/week while attending college full-time, and on college breaks, both winter and summer, I again worked a full-time, 40+ hour/week office job. Simply put, I’ve never stopped. (Okay, busted. I did take a 2-week break after graduating from college – frankly, I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack over it, and honestly, so was I. Needless to say, I don’t do free time well.)
So imagine how this concept of unemployment is weighing on me. What the heck will I do during the day??? Of course I know there are things to do, because people do this all the time, but honestly, I’m overwhelmed with the thought of being underwhelmed. I feel like I’m on an island where no one understands. Let me remind you … I simply don’t know how to not work. I don’t know how to let it all go. I don’t know how to take some time off for me. I just don’t know. I’m one of those people who can’t flipping stop.
I get how it feels to be laid off now. I feel the pain. I’m educated, hard-working, and facing a whole new life in the very near future. One I didn’t choose for myself. And I’m scared. I’m sad and feeling very, very alone. And I’m starting to feel the panic.
Without a doubt, I’m a ‘glass half full’ kind of gal. Even when I’m griping, I’m smiling. Well, most of the time. I’ve been told a million times over that I’m too nice. But I’m starting to feel the stress of it all. I’m starting to worry.
My ‘happy go lucky’ side reminds me that it will all be okay. We have our health. We’re an amazing family. I have a daughter that I simply love to pieces. We have our home. And thankfully, we have a plan to move forward through this trying time. But that ‘plan’ won’t last forever. I work for two reasons. (1) Because I want to. It’s who I am, if I haven’t driven that home enough. (2) Because I need to. We have mortage-sized monthly school loan payments between the two of us. It simply is what it is without getting into the gruesome details.
We’ll be okay for a little while. But oddly enough, that doesn’t make this a bit easier. It’s all still there.
The worry.
The burden.
The responsibility.
The panic.
The feeling of isolation.
It’s all still very much there.
So forgive me if I say things that sound uncharacteristic. If I gripe about my dead battery, 5 quarts of leaking oil inside my husband’s truck, dog getting stung in the rear end by a wasp kind of day. You know, in my ordinarily chipper kind of world, it’s totally not that big of a deal. But these days, it is.
Forgive me if I quit focusing on my person, putting my #Mamavation commitment to myself on the back burner for now and instead becoming consumed by this new unwanted distraction. I’ll be back, Sistas. Promise, I will. I gave it my all in the beginning (And lost 10 lbs., thank you very much!), but I’ve got to be honest with you all – I can’t do it anymore.
And forgive me if I’m particularly hateful after reading articles about discriminating against the unemployed. Let me remind you that I didn’t ask for this, and neither did many of my colleagues. Because there were more than a handful of us who were laid off. Many more than a handful. We don’t deserve that.
I know there are many worse things in the world. Believe me, I think about them every single day. But to me, right now, this is a pretty big deal. Things in life are always relative, and I’m remembering that. But that doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly know how to do this. That doesn’t mean this is any easier, or any better.
Are you with me? And will you be here to celebrate when I tell you I have a beautiful, bright and shiny new job? Believe me, I’m going to need you along the way, whether for a celebration or a pick-me-up.
I’ve already needed you, I’ve just been afraid to let you know.
Posted in family, gripes, life, mamavation, rant, work
Tagged life, priorities, unemployed, work, worry
Life is full of ups and downs.
Full of questions with no good answer.
Full of uncertainty.
One thing life is also full of is opinions and advice. While sometimes that advice is just what you need to make a leap of faith, other times it punches you in the gut.
I’m in the midst of a decision with plenty of both types of advice. While I’ve gotten some really good advice and reassurance, at the same time some people close to me have let me down – big time.
Thing is, I know in my heart what the right decision is. But a bit of uncertainty surrounding the future is making me question what I should do.
I said going into this that family is my #1 priority. I said I would not, under any circumstances, compromise that. Yet here I am, listening to people telling me otherwise. I know what I need to do to stay ‘me.’ Making this decision the way I know I shouldn’t would affect that, making me someone I don’t want to be. Yet I let them get to me. I let them get to me because I trust them.
This one decision is making me think about my relationships. And it’s driving me further and further into my cave. If I can’t lean on those I trust for reassurance when I need it most, why bother asking for reassurance in the first place?
I get the risk. I understand the uncertainty. And if I’m willing to deal with it, why aren’t some of my friends & family with me? I understand that they’re concerned, but truthfully, one outcome is just as scary as the other. They both have ugly endings – one long-term, and one that could end up being short-term or long-term. Me? I’m willing to risk it. I know things likely won’t be perfect, but I’m willing to let this ugly choice (and the first, may I add) go for a chance at the possibility of something better. Because there is better. And my family is worth it.
Opinions are just that – opinions. I guess if I can’t take all of what’s given to me without letting it get me down, perhaps I shouldn’t ask in the first place. Just seems that in this time when I feel like I need support the most, that support is causing me more stress than I already place on myself.
I know what I need to do. Now I just need to put on my big girl pants and do it. Without question; without hesitation.
We were watching Open Season
I told Lily, “Aww, the bear is sad.” What would normally get little or no reaction from her brought her to tears last night and I felt so incredibly bad. Right after I told her, she got the frown face – like she was thinking about Boog being sad. About 10 seconds later, she busted into a full out sob, telling me, “Sad!”
Oh my gosh, I will never, ever do that again. Talk about feeling bad. That was the ultimate ‘uh-oh’ on my part! My heart broke, and it breaks even writing this now! My poor baby!
That was a true mom fail moment. Got any good ones to make me feel like I’m not alone?!
I started a post yesterday about how my black cloud was once again creeping in. Since mid-July, I’ve had this “thing” weighing on me. Since mid-July, I’ve tried to remain positive. Twice now, panic has come – stepping in and taking away my sunshine.
Funny thing has happened each time, though. It seems that when I feel like I’m close to reaching the bottom, good things start happening. Good things that make me question whether or not this black cloud “thing” really is that dark.
In the grand scheme of things, it could be. It may be. Or maybe it won’t be. Right now, it should not be such a dark “thing.” Because right now, things are okay.
I got a few reminders yesterday that I must take each day at a time and not think about the future. And I got it, at least for now.
I enjoyed a beautiful moment with my daughter this morning. I climbed in bed next to her to wake her up, and as I rubbed her back, a few lines from the 10,000 Maniacs song More Than This popped into my head. As I repeated to myself over and over, “More than this, you know there is nothing more than this,” I thought of just how beautiful this life is. No, there is nothing more than this. It’s the simple things in life that are most important; everything else will fall into place, even if I don’t happen to know just what that “place” is just yet.
As far as Mamavation … ladies, I need to get back on track. Whew, do I ever need to get myself together. One thing I have kept up with is the #100DayBurpeeChallenge … I would not want to catch up on what I’ve missed! 
More to come later – I have a few other posts planned, I just need to find the time and motivation to get them posted.
I just lost my entire Mamavation post. And it wasn’t exactly a fun one, so now I’m even more upset. Argh.
What I was sharing is that it hasn’t been a great week, but it also hasn’t been a bad week, either. Always good! I’ve got a bit of a stress in my life right now, and while I’ve been pretty good at staying positive about it up until now, it’s starting to chip away at my sunshine as of late. It’s okay. It will be okay. I just don’t feel as sunshiny this week as I usually do.
While there’s really no scale victory for me this week, the fact that I’m not doing some out of control stress eating surely is a non-scale victory, so I’ll take it. One day at a time.
Hope you Mamavation Sistas have a great week. I’ll be back to bubbly soon – I just need to figure this thing out. All I need is time. Just a little time.
I won’t forget the look in her eyes last night as she waved her hand in the air and repeated after me, “No pee-pee!” She was focused and understood what I was telling her.
You see, it was my fault she was put in that predicament in the first place. We had gone to the park and I had no diapers in the car. She had, well, done her business just as we were leaving the playground and these days she just plain refuses to sit down with that in her diaper. I can’t say I much blame her.
I changed her, then put her in her carseat, sans diaper, with a blanket underneath – just in case.
She made it home dry and I breathed a sigh of relief. “No pee-pee.” Indeed, she had done it. She walked into the house, sat on her potty, and proceeded to then go potty. We celebrated – she had not only listened and done what we had asked of her, but we knew she truly had learned something new. Something hugely new and incredibly exciting.
She made it. And I was so proud of her. We were all so proud of her last night – herself included!
We’ve tried potty training twice before – once just before she turned 2, and once shortly after (While vacationing at MeMa’s!). She’d shown some signs of being ready, but after giving it a go, we realized she just wasn’t quite there. No worries; we just continue to talk about it and do things to prepare.
After last night, I think she may just be ready after all. I think we may just go on a fabulously fun shopping spree this weekend; one that will include big girl pants, great beverages and super rewards.
I’m ready, and I’m pretty sure she is, too.
I love finding and falling in love with amazing products. What’s even better, though, is sharing those amazingproducts with others. Below are 5 of my favorite things right now. As a disclaimer, I was not asked to review these products, nor am I receiving anything in exchange for this post. I just genuinely love these things and wanted to share them with you. Now, on to the 5 things!
Nuts About Granola
This granola is out of this world good! Worth a try if you love granola, for sure. My favorite flavor? It’s a tough decision, but I’d have to go with College Staple. Or maybe the fabulous Warrior Crunch, because honestly, who doesn’t like cherries and chocolate?! (Even better, the purchase of Warrior Crunch helps to raise money for cancer research!) And if you’re in central PA, you don’t have any excuse but to try this granola – they’re at markets in both York and Lancaster and at many shops throughout central PA. So what are you waiting for? Try it now!
CurlyQ Cuties
Seriously, these custom-made monsters are adorable! I’ve done monsters with the numbers 1 through 5 and will give them to my daughter each year on her birthday. I also had the pleasure of giving one to my niece who turned 1 this year, too! Do you have a child who is losing teeth? Check out the Design Your Own Fairy Tooth – they’re adorable!
our local farmer’s market
Okay, so this isn’t technically a thing, but it’s worth mentioning anyway. Do you visit your local farmer’s market in the summer? I do, and I love it! If you can, you really should get out there. Not only can you support local farms and businesses, but you can bring home plenty of nutritious produce, meat, and goodies, too!
Toddy Coffee Maker
Our summer obsession is iced coffee. Instead of making hot coffee and chilling, however, I prefer to use coffee concentrate, made with this cold brew system. It makes the most amazing iced coffee! Even better, it has less acid than traditional coffee, making our tummies happy!
My Fitness Pal
I love, love, love this free tool. My Fitness Pal makes it incredibly easy to keep track of your food and water intake, exercise, measurements, and more! Even better, you can use it online and on your phone. The iPhone app is just as easy to use as the website, too!
What products/services are you loving right now?
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